Monday, December 7, 2009


I don't feel well today.

I should head out and find myself a new coat, pick up that extra guitar for Rock Band 2, and enjoy driving my APC-esque vehicle in the snow. Likely, I'll sit in bed and type feebly on my laptop while starving myself.

I think I've put it all together. When your body is using it's own tissue for sustenance, it seems to release endorphins and chemicals in the brain that make you feel better. I don't know why the body does this. It's easy to see why people who are anorexic can continue the practice and spiritual people feel enlightened when they fast. For me, it's a last line of defense against anxiety and depression. Sometimes eating certain foods will help jumpstart me, but when things are really bad, only the absence of food seems to put my mind back in proper harmony.

It's like my body can really focus on repairing the damage I've done to myself instead of digesting and carrying out the normal bodily functions. My wife made me my beef and green bean stew, the usual when I don't feel well. It like all food right now just doesn't appeal to me. There's nothing wrong with my stomach, other than being empty. Being past the point of hungry seems to help stave off panic attacks, allowing me to continue my work and persist.

I wonder at what cost. Looking at myself, I certainly have the reserves for this, but I keep losing weight. This whole cycle can't be good for me, and is unsustainable ultimately.


  1. It's interesting how well you have rationalized and described what I think is a pressure-valve for many people, the self-control of some aspect of their physical being. When I feel particularly unhinged I find myself comforted by various food rituals, sometimes fasting, sometimes eating particular things in a particular way, very slow and deliberate and conscious. I feel as long as it's not something I do often enough to affect my health in a negative way, it keeps me focused, too...kind of a proof of my endurance and willpower. I wonder if it isn't much more common than we think - maybe even completely natural behavior, just another way the mind negotiates with the body to keep us healthy mentally however it can.

  2. It's nice to know I'm not alone in that regard. I had sort of wondered.