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Windows Phone 8.1, Three Weeks Later

I've given Windows 8.1 a solid chance to impress me over the last three weeks. This is exactly the amount of time I've had my iPad Mini as well to act as a basis of comparison. I think I’ll write this without making too many comparisons between 8.0 and 8.1 unless it is something profoundly irksome.

Change is inevitable and relentless.

For reference, I’m running Windows 8.1 on a Nokia Lumia 920, Red.

I Like

There is a lot to like about Windows Phone when talking about pre-loaded and 1^st-party applications. The Alarm, Battery Saver, Calculator, Camera, Cortana, Data Sense, Games, Maps, Nokia, Office, One Note, PDF Reader, People, Photos and Storage Sense applications are decent to excellent and seem to improve over time. More than a handful I used to think were worthless beta-feeling crap have become exceptional over time.

The People and Cortana applications are particularly good. The Nokia Applications are (for now) what makes selecting handset hardware easy. The new options for organizing my start menu are welcome and appreciated. When I unlock my phone, the menu is gorgeous and informative thanks to being able to set a background and live tile functionality.

Seriously, my Start Screen looks awesome.

People App: Being able to organize my family, friends, and collaborators into their own groups, pin them to the Start Menu and customize how all that looks is incredible and light years ahead of the competition. If you rely heavily on social media, email, and text messaging to keep in touch with people, Windows Phone handles this better in some ways than other mobile platforms.

Cortana: I love the notion of having an Intelligent Agent on my handset to help me find things by merely asking for them. I've tried other digital assistants and none handle tasks like Cortana.

Games: Windows Phone is a great gaming platform, but make sure you choose the right hardware. Even now Microsoft is (unwisely) selling Nokia handsets that can’t handle every game. If gaming is important, make sure the phone has at least 1GB of RAM.

On The Fence

Internet Explorer: Microsoft has made some subtle changes with regard to accessing tabs and how favorites are displayed and handled. It’s better than it was. It is unfortunate that IE on my Windows 8 Laptop is still unfriendly to open source and thus pointless as a browser. In fairness, there is evidence this may be changing. So much of what I use on the web requires Chrome or Firefox and this diminishes EI’s usefulness to me on the Phone as well.

Me: This application allows you to check your own posts to social media and make posts to those accounts. It used to (8.0) let you post to all of them simultaneously. For people who self-promote and manage their presence on multiple social networks, this was incredibly useful. The application is still useful, but not the time saver it once was.

Messaging: I can no longer route Facebook Chat through my messenger application. I had hoped that they would add functionality to this application but Microsoft decided to make it less useful as of late. It’s still a powerful application with a good lay out that includes a search feature, but I feel like much of the potential for it to become awesome was lost since the last update.

Bad News

Calendar: Still terrible. One of the reasons I bought an iPad and have considered going back to Apple products is so I can have a decent calendar that syncs to the cloud reliably. Between randomly deleting events added to the calendar and the painfully few options with regard to events reoccurring the app is as useless now as it was at release.

Mail: Permanently stuck in the past before people knew what an integrated inbox was or had seen ability to move and store email in folders across accounts. You will still have a mail app per email address you manage. Not terrible, if you like using software that feels obsolete.

Music: Surprise, the music app is terrible. It’s slow, buggy, and randomly denies you the ability to play music your lawfully own if the streaming feature is turned on. This isn’t a knock against Microsoft though. In the 20+ years I've been using computers, I've never seen a decent music application.

Skype: Microsoft finds new and exciting ways to make this application annoying, featureless, and invasive. I've had to remove it from my phone to keep it from hijacking my messaging app and it performs rather poorly on my handset otherwise. I get the feeling that video conferencing on the Windows Phone is an afterthought.

Aside from the Music App (it’s impossible to make a good one I think) there is no excuse for the Calendar, Mail, and Skype apps to continue being horrible update after update. These are key applications with regard to a user’s overall experience using the device.

Unknowns

Podcast: One of my wife’s chief gripes about iOS is that Apple seems hell-bent to ruin the ability to listen to podcasts on that platform. Each new change makes the process of downloading and listening to podcasts worse. I haven’t tried the new Podcast App out on Windows Phone yet. Maybe Microsoft was listening to customers?

Wallet: Not even sure what this is for, how I use it, or why I would use it. It bears some research though.

3^rd Party

LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter: As usual, across every platform, and depending somewhat on the day, these are decent substitutes to a browser on a desktop. On a bad day, they are crashamatic pieces of crap that will frustrate and anger the most rational and serene individual. On Windows Phone (and elsewhere), Twitter is the best of the bunch. Facebook crashes so often as to be worthless, and LinkedIn lacks so many features as to fall in the same category.

Games: So. Many. Games. Seriously, this is a big plus for Windows Phone if gaming is a focus for you when choosing a smartphone.

Nokia: The apps are good enough (for now) that it is almost not worth looking at other hardware for Windows Phone.

Hardware Somewhere

The future is bleak. The first latest two Nokia devices, touted as the first Microsoft handsets, are pretty underwhelming. I’ll forgive virtually everything about the Nokia Lumia 630 because it is marketed as a lower end phone and designed to be cheap. That said, no dedicated camera button or front facing camera? These are the two features that would appeal the most to the individuals most likely to buy the 630. If I was a teenager looking for a good phone that wasn't what old people use (iPhones) it’d need to take a picture, and in particular, a selfie.

The 930 is ugly. Like Samsung Android handset ugly, a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10, a dud, an eyesore, and not in any way a Nokia product with regard to design or attention to detail. It even has all the conformity markings on the outside, big as possible, from all the pictures I've seen. If I was working for a company and they handed me a 930 I’d get the most obfuscating case I could. Hopefully, it gets marketed with those little raincoat flip covers of shame like Android Phones do.

It’s probably being deliriously optimistic to expect HTC, Huawei, or Samsung (chortle) to step up with a decent handset at this point, but one can hope.

Crisis Of Faith

I left the fellowship of my faith when I was not yet even an adult, twenty years ago. Since that time, I've been a privately practicing Mormon that has remained faithful, but kept a healthy distance from the establishment of the LDS Church. I did this because I found it difficult to varying degree to sustain the Church Leadership in everything they do, and the core message that the LDS Church is the absolute one true faith on the Earth.

Never feeling as learned as I could be, I've filled my bookshelf with works on philosophy, metaphysics, mythology and religion trying to garner a greater understanding of the world. I read ancient literature to give myself a better handle on how people in biblical times wrote. I read and (admittedly) skim various versions of core religious texts.

I often turn to science to fill in some of the blanks, or at least explain them. Looking at things like how the universe was likely formed, the arrangement thereof, and all the energies intrinsic to it didn't make me less religious. The more I look at science and the various paradoxes found within the more I believe there is a God, not less.

Certitude

This is chiefly what religions peddle in. By design, each religion does the best job it can granting the flock or membership a degree of certitude about God, the afterlife, and a righteous lifestyle. Necessarily, each purports to be the “true” church having figured it out better than all the others. My wife once asked if it was possible if all religions could be true, and not true, at the same time. I think she is very wise.

Truth is a very influential particular of an elite body of concepts that make up the most important universal, a collection of things called Virtue. I don’t believe that religions or Gods can possess or be the source of such things, but they can be the paragons of them and even embody them. To that end, any faith that claims it can withhold Virtue or agency from a person in the name of God is treading in the most dangerous of hypocrisy.

The notion that there is a single true Church runs contrary to every one of Gods other works. From the very largest objects in the universe to the very smallest, variety is always necessarily present. God does, in grand fashion, make this obvious everywhere one looks. It is not a single universal type of star that lights the night sky, but a multitude of variety.

More to that line of thinking, The God of the Old Testament (or the Torah if you prefer) tells Abraham (among others) he will be the father of a multitude of nations. Not a single nation run by a single church with a single set of beliefs, but a multitude. That word appears in virtually every translation of the scripture I’m referring to.

mul·ti·tude noun \ˈməl-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd\

: a great number of things or people

If one looks to the Latin origins of the word and pokes around a bit, one finds multitudin-, multitudo, from multus and the word meliorate somewhere on the same branch. To ameliorate is to make something that is not so great, better. It is the beginning of something good. I take in the context of that scripture that God was telling Abraham that these things would occur by necessity to make things better for others to form a greater basis for seeking Virtue.

The most foolish and fanatical people I've bore witness to run on pure certitude, letting it flow through their veins giving life to every misguided thing they do. Worse, the more certitude they have, the less likely they are to examine their beliefs or the actions they take in the name of those beliefs. They operate without the need to seek Virtue, certain that institutions, society, and control external to a person’s agency is the way to solve all the world’s problems.

I don’t think certitude is dangerous for just religious people. I think an Atheist running on absolutes and certitude is just as dangerous to themselves and others as a devout Christian doing the same. To hold science as the single belief to rule all others is as problematic as holding the Bible to the same standard. Everything necessarily has leaks, flaws, and gaps that should make a rational and reasonable person at least wonder. I think we have the ability to possess both an imagination and a rational mind for a reason.

Why Does God

Most religions hold that God is holy, righteous, and the embodiment of all things good and virtuous. If that is truly the case, would that God ever do anything to infringe the agency or choices of others? Would he or she use their obviously more expansive ability to make choices (intrinsic to being a God) to infringe the choices of lesser beings? I can conceive of very few examples where that would be possible.

The Old Testament (or Torah, I like the Torah) does a good job of showcasing instances where God had to step in and take direct action on Earth. In every instance it seemed to be possessed of two key components, preserving or increasing agency for future humans relative to the event, and maximum deniability. If a city was so wicked that all who would be born there would find their agency infringed from the moment they drew breath to the sum of their whole lives? That city would meet an unfortunate end. 

Likewise, I think that God allows things like war and genocide to persist to give us the opportunity, collectively, to make our world as awesome or shitty as we want. Given the population and variety of people in the modern world, access to technology, and so forth, we have an even greater degree of agency than ancient peoples had. If war, famine or genocide occur on the planet, it is because we are choosing or allowing it to happen, not God.

If the whole world decided to just work together to make the best possible place to live, we could do it. We have the means at our disposal, the manufacturing capacity, and the substance of culture to make it a reality. The world isn't the dark place it sometimes is because of some grand celestial agenda, we are choosing as a race to make it this way. People aren't killed in war zones or on crime ridden city streets because God needs more angels, it’s about the choices we make.

Incertitude

The wisest individuals I've ever known were profoundly compromised by doubt and have many questions. The more they came to know and understand, the more the world would open up to them and illustrate just how much they do not know, and never will. If they answered a single question there would be a hundred more as a consequence and behind the answers to each of those, a hundred more, and so forth.

To possess incertitude one must merely possess questions about everything around them and be free of assumptions to that end. Most societies and faiths look down on individuals that possess doubt as being people who lack conviction. The truth is that this is usually the opposite. These are individuals usually lead intensely examined lives checking and double checking everything they do. They are not satisfied with seeking Virtue for a couple hours on Sunday or by putting a check in the mail for their favorite charity once a year. They are on a mission to learn whatever they can in this life. They live in every moment as themselves.

Incertitude has an extremely ethical sibling called Pessimism. This quality, properly honed, can protect someone leading an examined lifestyle from all kinds of (technical term) baloney. The world is full of crap designed to mislead you, leave you bereft of your agency, and outright harm you. A healthy pessimism is often the best armor against human negligence, greed, and avarice.

We don’t do anything in a vacuum. People who live an examined lifestyle are oddities, worth writing about, and worth watching. If one decides to live in such a way, others will be taking notes and trying to discern why or how you do all of your things. Pessimism isn't just a countermeasure to protect yourself, but also one for all the folks that might be quietly following your digital or real world footsteps.

Incertitude will rarely grant you the wisdom to know what you must do, but it is essential to the process of selection to that end. I think this is more than half of figuring out life, assuming God’s own ethical nonintervention being essential to agency. This isn't to say you should never do anything, but that you should figure out what it is, and do it now. Make sure whatever that is gives you and those around you more choices, not less.

Crisis Of Faith

These beliefs run contrary to the LDS Church. Speaking strictly for myself, I can’t profess to know with certitude that the Mormon Church is true or that Joseph Smith was a prophet. Likewise, I hesitate to say it isn't true as well. It is unlikely that in this life I will possess a traditional testimony, and certainly not the sort any Bishop would thank me for sharing. This isn't to say I don’t believe in a great deal of what the Church teaches, but that to core ideas designed to employ institutional certitude as a substitute for real conviction, I simply can’t subscribe.

Joseph Smith spoke of the economy of God relative to the leadership of the Church. To assume there is always a person on the Earth capable of setting aside their agency, denying a state of perdition, and being a true revelator and prophet is difficult, all things considered. Such individuals are going to be extremely rare. I’m not saying it is impossible, but that the idea that such a person exclusively speaks to the same tiny percentage of the world’s population since the 1800s isn't remotely economical. Do I think the Mormon Church was possessed of a true revelator and prophet at some point, and that they brought some actual truth into the faith?

Yes, and we’ll likely never know who that was exactly or the total sum of his or her contributions. I have theories, but no certitude relative to that.

Does that mean that all faiths potentially possess truth as my wife suggested? Would the duration the church has existed and the number of adherents make it more or less likely a true revelator and prophet has contributed to their doctrine? Is one of the active or dead faiths on the Earth possibly more “true” than the others?

Yes, no, maybe… but only relative to individuals in any case. I think there is probably a church more suited to my individual spiritual needs but that may not be the case for my neighbor. I’m still trying to figure all that out, and still be a good person. It is super hard.

The problem is that the various churches ask that I hold myself higher than others or make assumptions about their authenticity based on spiritual beliefs designed to govern me alone. It feels as arbitrary as claiming superiority over someone else because my tailor made pants don’t fit them. They would have me believe in absolutes and adopt certitude on things that I can’t ethically subscribe to. I think it may have been one of the few things I figured out young, but only realize now. There is no church or faith that will accept a person like me, but there are many that might tolerate my presence.

Conviction

I will not contribute to institutional tyranny that asks that I hold myself as being closer to God than someone else on the basis of their identity as it relates to intrinsic qualities like race or gender. I can’t assume that the way I live my life could be universal to everyone or that anyone else could do as I've done and prosper spiritually. I will love and draw people close on the basis of the virtues they choose to embody.

Do I think that everyone should abandon their faith, science, atheistic notions, agnosticism, nihilism, or other belief set? No, but I think they should be a little less sure they've found the universal answer for them and everyone else.   

Watching The News, Apple vs. Microsoft

I get this vision of two warriors running across the field toward one another, weapons held high, fierce expressions on their faces, blood churning in their veins... and at the moment that should have been impact, they missed each other entirely. Looking around, they realize they are in the castle of their enemy alone, and no one is home. So they pull up the draw bridge and call it good. The peasants are confused, but continue on nevertheless.

This is basically what Apple (maker of devices) and Microsoft (maker of software) has done.

To look at all Microsoft alleges to do in the near future they are unifying their software, making it look horrible, and attempting to have it run across all their devices. I don't know what that means. They'll have an OS that looks good on a 480 x 800 resolution phone and a 4K monitor hooked up to a video editing workstation?

Looking at the leaked photos for whatever it is that comes after Windows 8 makes me cringe. The look of it (the software) gives me a feeling one can liken only to disgust and dread. It is the opposite sensation of what one feels picking up a Surface Pro 3 (a device). Microsoft is making some very compelling devices that has pushed the industry to make an array of computing options I've been waiting over a decade for.

I owned a Surface Pro 1, and loved it. All the things I would have changed about it came to pass with the release of the Surface Pro 3. It's a lighter color, an aspect ratio closer to paper as opposed to an HD display, and thinner/lighter/etcetera. The keyboard has a strange spring to it, mimicking the tactile feedback of a traditional keyboard. It still has great, maybe even better pen input depending on what you're doing. If I'd know it would be so good, I would have held off getting my Thinkpad Yoga.

I may have still chosen the Yoga anyway, but it would have been a really tough choice.

Meanwhile, Apple is making the same aluminum clad clam shells, touch only tablets, and smartphone they have for the past few years. That none of their devices have more than a single use form factor or pen input is pretty discouraging. Even more discouraging is that Yosemite and iOS 8 (software) looks incredible, capable, and extremely advanced.

I'm aware that my device usage isn't typical or even representative of 1% of computer users. Very few people decide one day they are going to design and render games for a smartphone platform and work as a self-published author, then go shopping for a machine that can allow them to do all that, while replacing all the paper on their desk. Most people don't think about port selection, input options, or screen resolution to that end and seek out the perfect device to that end.

Also, I'm aware that not everyone uses every single feature of their phone for things like self promotion, checking stock prices, email, browsing, schedule keeping, file sharing, photo taking, and the occasional game. I don't consider myself to occupy even the top 25% of truly tech savvy users, but I think a lot of the design choices Microsoft is using feels like a heartfelt appeal to the very lowest common denominator. Granted, the leaked images of the next version could (please God) be fake and not at all what it will look like or represent how it will function from the desktop on down.

Apple's Yosemite has a feature called Continuity that looks incredible. Basically, much of what you start or do on your phone or tablet can be continued or finished on your Mac and vice versa I'm sure. You also have access to many of the features on your phone via your Mac. Windows has virtually nothing like this, and where they do the applications are so barren and featureless they aren't worth using.

I really want a Hackintosh Lenovo Thinkpad Yoga running Yosemite and an iPhone with a slightly larger (but just shy of phablet size) screen than the one they make now. I love Windows Phone but I don't think it will survive the transition Microsoft is proposing.

The Dangers Of Brand Loyalty

I've waited about three years for Microsoft to deliver a core computing experience with Windows Phone. Two of those years was spent waiting for the same thing with Windows 8. I'm fairly certain with the changing of the guard in Microsoft's leadership that user experience I crave is never coming. In the process of all that I did something I rarely do, and was loyal to a brand.

What Microsoft had with Windows 8 was wondrous, full of excellent potential, and the beginning of a UX I'd wanted since tablet PCs were even a thing over a decade ago. I shed my Apple Inc. gear and bought a pair of excellent Thinkpads by Lenovo. I had faith that Microsoft would eventually deliver on touch enabled productivity applications, core computing experiences, games, and a shifting UI paradigm that would shift when I pushed a single button.

PC manufacturers responded with a dizzying array of devices that had touch screens and built in digitizers. The Surface Pro hit the market and I waited with great anticipation for Microsoft to iterate on the Windows 8 experience and deliver on all they had promised. I couldn't wait for a core computing experience that sync'd to the cloud across all my devices and would allow me to keep my schedule, files, and friends at my finger tips.

As my promotional schedule ramps up and my life gets more busy and I make more contacts I need technology that can aid me in keeping track of it all. Microsoft has no interest in providing that to independent professionals that aren't hooked up to a corporate network. All my attempts to get my devices to talk to each other and keep in sync have run into some issue I can't resolve.

With my third book hitting the market soon I've got a promotional schedule I have to keep, allies to keep in contact with, files to juggle, and I need to be able to view it all wherever I go. It's frustrating because there is so much good hardware for Windows right now and Microsoft is choosing not to support any of it. Between that and the damage done to Nokia, I doubt my next phone will be running the Windows Phone OS.

I'm going back to being a mercenary when it comes to devices. Whoever makes the best guns is what I'll buy. Right now that's a Lenovo Thinkpad Yoga and an iPad Mini I picked up over the weekend. Now, I just need to find a decent phone that will do all the things I need it to, if such a thing exists.

Alright, I'm done bleeding about this. Done.

Windows Phone 8.1 - Initial Thoughts

I’m a goof and had been waiting for Windows Phone 8.1 to come to my phone over the air. My development partner had pointed out to me before this wasn't necessary, and then pointed it out to me again. 

I downloaded it.

My thought stream as I’m trying it out for the first time:

The first thing it does is let you know about new settings.

Wi-Fi sense is an interesting feature. It basically turns your phone into a signal addict that will send your data over any network, secure or otherwise. It will also allow you to exchange Wi-Fi network access with people in your contacts list making the secure networks everyone uses less secure.

I turned it off.

The next feature it tells you about is the ability to automatically update your Store apps.

I turned it off.

After that, there’s a feature that lets apps share your “advertising ID” for “experiences” across apps.

I turned it off.

Scrolling down my home screen, I found a Data Sense app.

Declined setting a data limit and removed it from my home screen.

Moving over to the applications list, I see they've made some changes.

The Battery Saver feature is an app now, cluttering up my app list.

We've got Cortana… I’ll have to try that out later.

FM Radio app. For some people, this could be a thing.

Podcasts app. That’s promising, if it’s decent.

Storage Sense app… appears useless with all options greyed out. Neat.

Xbox Video app… meh.

Swipe down notifications menu is pretty decent.

Checking the Calendar App. The way it renders your schedule is better, and I like the visual changes. Still can’t set events to reoccur beyond a handful of options. It’s still useless, even years later.

I still need a mail app per email account cluttering up my home screen. Not happy about this.

Internet Explorer... switching between tabs is better, faster, and so forth. Hurrah.

Settings menu…

Notification+actions stuffs. Nice that they let you customize the notification area to this degree.

NFC option to turn off or on. I’m pretty sure that’s new. Hurrah.

Project to my screen option. Don’t remember that being there. 

Wife is home, gotta go. 

Purpose

People complain because they must grant themselves the dignity of a purpose. Tragic also that they are usually complicit in having such a thing forced upon them through inaction. It is tiring to watch.

The noblest actions lie somewhere between the course of a conventionist and the harrowing idealism of the iconoclast. There is more to doing things than just obeying a perception of necessity. To want is always better than to need, and putting your desires over your desperation is the nascence of understanding yourself.

Kansas

I've lived in Wichita for over a year now. If things go right, I'll have released three novellas in under a year and made significant progress on my other projects. It's been a good year for the solitude and the very nice place my wife found us to live.

I think I can sum up what living in Wichita is like by relating a single experience.

My wife and I went in late to a deli and ordered two baked potatoes to go. My wife ordered something off the menu that they were glad to make for her, and I got my usual. As we sat in the carry out area, the manager approached us and said,

"Next time you guys come in, you should go have some of our free ice cream while you wait. In fact, please, help yourselves now."

My wife can't have the cones, so the manager gave her a to-go cup, and we chatted for a moment about the supreme Virtue associated with frozen soft serve. Not every person I interact with in Kansas is like the manager of the deli, but more than a fair number. My uncle did warn me that the people here were genuine and decent. Wichita has it's problems, good guys and bad, but it is an incredibly quiet place, perfect for writers and librarians.

In the early summer/late spring, when one walks in my neighborhood just after sunset, there are fireflies and bunnies. It is a supreme delight for my wife and maybe one for me as well, though I would never admit to such officially. There is also a blessed degree of humidity that makes me sleep and breathe easier awake or asleep.

Also, did I mention it's quiet?

Unsolicited Relationship Advice

I've been with my spouse since 1999, and I marvel at how quickly time passes while I'm with her. I don't think I've discovered even half of what there is to know about being in a successful relationship with another person, but this is some of what I've learned. In no particular order:

1. Want things. Your spouse can't be part of your life and supporting you if you don't want. They can't go on adventures with you if you don't have a destination.

2. Be responsible for your own happiness. That your spouse makes you happy is excellent, but it should be incidental to seeking the things in life that fulfill you.

3. Go with them. If your spouse wants to travel or seek education, go with them. If they want to take a vacation, make sure you've always got the time and money to be there when they go. You can't be a advocate or protector for your spouse if you aren't there.

4. Be your own person. Having your own friends, books, social network accounts, and so forth is important to having an identity. If you don't know who you are, no one else will either. Do not let the burden of merely being fall to your spouse.

5. Have courage. Things will go wrong, break down and get lost. If you chose well, your spouse will be brave for you, and you can be no less for them.

6. Be a good steward of the little things. If you're the last one up, make the bed. Be ready to do your own laundry, dishes, yard work, and similar. Don't take it for granted that anything collectively held by you and your spouse as stewards is yours or theirs to do alone.

7. Be a good steward of the big things. Avoid financial, legal, and social liability that could adversely influence your relationship. You can't be a good spouse if you are constantly broke, in jail, or so notorious that no one trusts you.

8. Protect them. If someone is kind to your spouse, be kind to them. If someone is unkind or harms your spouse, make sure they feel your wrath. Some preventative overtures may be required, but nothing shuts down problems before they start like others knowing you'll die or kill to protect the one you love.

9. Set and respect boundaries. Some would file this under communication, but not every couple needs to exchange manifestos of intent on a daily basis. They do need to relate to one another what they will and will not do, which requires humility and perspective.

10. Care for yourself. A good spouse wouldn't want to stand by and watch someone destroy you, denigrate you, or damage you in any way. Don't be the villain in this, because you'll put your spouse in a place where they have to fight with you to try and save you. Don't make your spouse compete with an addiction, a preventable health issue, or mental illness because you weren't a good steward of yourself.

Warranty Service Experiences

When my Asus got bricked by a bad update:

"Whoa bummer, what are you going to do?” 

When my Apple iMac died a fiery death:

“Looks like you’re a week outside the warranty. By the way, any part an Apple Certified technician sends us is ours forever, even if the tech makes a mistake and the part was actually good. Thank you for paying money to have your machine fixed! Here it is, worse than when you brought it in. Bird turds!”

When my Surface Pro 1 showed up all messed up:

“Looks like your device was loaded with a developer preview version of the OS. We’ll send you another device eventually, after we’ve received the old one and verified you aren’t pulling our leg. You could just buy a second one and wait for a refund on the first, how’s that sound? We’ll call you in a week, let you know how it goes.” *sad trombone* 

When my Lenovo Thinkpad Yoga died a fiery death:

“Your device is broken? Tell us what happened while we arrange to have another one custom made and shipped to you as soon as possible. Soured by that particular device? We’ll build you something else, whatever you’d like. We’d like the old device, but we understand you have important IP on your drive. Keep the drive, and ship the broken device to us. We’ll send you a box and a shipping label. No, we won’t wait for the defective device before we get started on a new one. It may get a little irritating, but we’ll be checking back regularly to make sure everything is okay. 

What? Oh, that's just the Unicorns playing with the copier again.”