When my Asus got bricked by a bad update:
"Whoa bummer, what are you going to do?”
When my Apple iMac died a fiery death:
“Looks like you’re a week outside the warranty. By the way, any part an Apple Certified technician sends us is ours forever, even if the tech makes a mistake and the part was actually good. Thank you for paying money to have your machine fixed! Here it is, worse than when you brought it in. Bird turds!”
When my Surface Pro 1 showed up all messed up:
“Looks like your device was loaded with a developer preview version of the OS. We’ll send you another device eventually, after we’ve received the old one and verified you aren’t pulling our leg. You could just buy a second one and wait for a refund on the first, how’s that sound? We’ll call you in a week, let you know how it goes.” *sad trombone*
When my Lenovo Thinkpad Yoga died a fiery death:
“Your device is broken? Tell us what happened while we arrange to have another one custom made and shipped to you as soon as possible. Soured by that particular device? We’ll build you something else, whatever you’d like. We’d like the old device, but we understand you have important IP on your drive. Keep the drive, and ship the broken device to us. We’ll send you a box and a shipping label. No, we won’t wait for the defective device before we get started on a new one. It may get a little irritating, but we’ll be checking back regularly to make sure everything is okay.
What? Oh, that's just the Unicorns playing with the copier again.”
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